Saturday, Feb. 10, 2007 @ 3:16 a.m.
It always used to be me who was the one to keep the phone off the hook during a fight. He would call anxiously, worried, and upset, until I put it back on the hook and he could get ahold of me.
Nickki told me things would turn around and me and Gar would switch places. I didn't think she was true. I always figured he would love me so much. Now it has turned around, and I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't want to be that person who gets controlled, but I don't want to be without him either. I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm wondering if he planned it this way. If he said "first I'll make her fall in love with me, and think that I love her just as much back, and then I'll trap her by taking away all of her friends, and having her wrapped around my finger". It pretty much seems that is what his plan was, and it hasn't quite worked yet. Unlike him, I actually have thoughts of breaking up with him. There is no way that I am going to be controlled this way. I'm a lot stronger, and I know that if this relationship doesn't work out, that doesn't mean I won't find someone just as perfect, or even better for me.
I just wish it was him. I hate starting new relationships, and learning new things. Me and Gar have been through so much, and I already know that I love him with all of my heart, so why can't everything just go back to the way it used to be.
I actually thought we would be together forever. Now I don't know what to think. I know if we weren't in this stupid long distance thing, I could make it go back to the way it used to be. But I'm not. And it's making me question where I should be.
I don't think I should be here, but I have a feeling that is just because I want to fix things with him. I don't want to do anything else that I will regret.
I have to learn to sleep.